Monday, May 24, 2010

Defining myself for myself......

"If I didn't define myself for myself, I would
be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive."
- Audre Lorde... 

Thank you Ms. Lorde. I love this quote but it is easier said than done. It is difficult for people when you reject their interpretation of who you are and your intentions for the world.  I'm finding this more and more that perceptions of who I am, how I SHOULD be, and how I should function have been developed and decided without my input.  It probably happens to many people at different times of their lives.  

This is my time. 


I can say, the friendships I've had for more than 20 years, are solid and loving. They understand me, even the things that have changed about me, they understand why those changes have occurred. I am loved by them and I appreciate them for it. 

Newer acquaintances or distant family, different story.  I'm called an community activist. I'm called a community organizer.  I'm called focused, involved, etc.  All these labels come with a perception of who I may or may not be and then comes the fall and the disappointment.  

Why disappointment?  Because, I'm a loner.  I'm distant at times.  I'm very assertive in my words and admittedly sometimes aggressive.  I'm confident and that can lead to being stubborn.  I'm caring but not always "nice".    So, I disappoint....often it seems.  I don't give the attention that some may want and need from me but I wonder why should it be expected especially from new acquaintances or from those I haven't spoken to in years? I am not CWUW.  I am not the Damien Center. I am not always community minded. Do you know me?

I believe that I have the right to choose my intimate relationships and friendships. This is uncompromising for me.  Maybe this is some level of control I need to have.....hmmmm


I'm not perfect.  I'm not superwoman. I'm the essence of Human looking for my Goddess status. :) 
I know I'm flawed but I also know that I'm GREAT as well.  I can not be put in a box and will reject any packaging of my life, my way, my being.  My feelings are valid and very connected to my spirit. I am human.  I'm pulled at so many ends that in learning to say NO, not now, not today, has been very hard but very necessary.  I have to embrace my humanity so that I can survive, so that I know that I need to take a break, and that I can not give my all to everyone at their request.  

It is unfair.  I won't except it. 


So I will be who I be for this next and the next time.  I'm evolving.  I'm growing daily. I will change again, even at the smallest level so let me just be.  Let me be Great and understand, I'm finding my way on this planet as you.  Let me live my purpose learning and growing and knowing that I will make mistakes, I may unintentionally cause pain, I may fail.....I may just be me.

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