Sunday, June 20, 2010

Never Daddy's Little Girl.....rather my father's daughter

Its father's day.  We see celebrations of relationships between child and father happening on this day. Ties given, dinners being cooked, and cards being sent.....this is the tradition. Its an interesting day.  My daughter doesn't acknowledge the day.  It has no meaning. She has no relationship with her father and its so unfortunate.  For me, its surreal.  I was raised with my father but I can't say I really KNOW him.

I love my dad. I think for the most part, he's a cool dude to sit and talk with.  I remember longing to go to the track meets with him. That was our time. I wasn't an athlete but I did love watching track and field.  I would get excited when dad would invite me to hang with him and his friends.  To this day, my dad is the one I can talk with about politics, any crazy governmental conspiracy, and music.  He can remember kids you went to school with and will know their whereabouts before you. My dad is quiet. He observes. He doesn't show much emotion but his eyes do tell many stories.

It was an odd household to be raised in. My mother was very

active.  Dad was the opposite and it was push and pull for me and my brother.  We always wanted dad to be more like mom.  Her energy was intoxicating but it wasn't fair for us to expect that from him. At the same time, we needed dad to be supportive. We needed hugs and kisses from him.  We needed conversations about womanhood and manhood.  We needed him to lead when mom couldn't. We needed for him to be faithful to her.  He didn't do those things.

I was never "daddy's little girl".  I don't know what that is like and I can tell you it makes a difference.  I have no expectations in relationships to be deemed "special".   Not to say that I don't expect to be loved but that's different than being treated in a special way.  One of those THERAPY NEEDED moments.   I can say that I am my father's daughter.  I'm protective of my dad.  I've defended him in arguments with my mom and brother.  I believe there things about my father's upbringing that didn't allow him to be emotional or even learn to do that.  I know my dad loves me and for me, at 42, that's enough.  I don't need any apologies for my childhood.  I've decided that dad is who he is and I deal with him on that level.  I appreciate him stepping up to help after mom passed away.  He's been helpful with Syd.  He loves his granddaughter and she loves her Papa.

So I hold no anger or bitterness towards my father.  I love him very much. I am a part of him. I have similar characteristics.   He is my dad.

Happy Father's Day.

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