ClevaWords

I'll be moving some of my myspace blogs over. I will get back to that level of blogging soon.

[rHonDa]

I must say that I'm divinely blessed. I love her. She loves me.

passively I see you there...I wink and I smile your attention will fulfill an emptiness I can not explain she gives to me she touches gently my hand she stares not enough....not enough I look the other way see this one with knowledge of the gods naturally touched by the divine I speak, she speaks emptiness seemingly disappears but just for the moment I reach for kind words but not from the one who is there she offers her heart she offers her love she offers her body I turn it all away consumed.

The moment of truth....is now. I'm running for the hills. As much as I blogged about love, I'm coming to the revelation that I don't trust anyone to do it. So, I may have to run for the hills again. I've been single for so long that maybe I'm terrified of the entire process. As much as I admire every man in my circle, I can't say I trust any of them. That's VERY deep, twisted, and hurtful but I really just thought about it. Who do I trust in my world that is male? As much as long for male energy, I find it hurtful, deceitful, and abusive. so are YOU running yet..... I'm not jaded because I know that its MY issue. I know (when I'm sane) that men can be committed, loving and trustworthy. I haven't experienced it but I've seen it for others so I know its real. Maybe I haven't really experienced that 'true love' thing. Maybe I'm still wondering if I'm good enough. Maybe I'm PMSing and will read this next week an...

going back to therapy......nutty.

spoke with some folks at the damien center about my time there...in the past It was difficult. By the end, I really hated that I was asked to do it. I'm not returning to dark places. There's nothing there but ugly. not going back....I'll never speak of those times again.

feeling so exposed candle in dark places illuminating possibilities lighting the way each step is closer yet blinded exposed for the world at times empty

my mom was obsessed with love. She loved everything and everyone but most of all she loved my father. She wanted to "be in love". She wanted to talk, hold hands, share....and love. Unfortunately, she didn't marry a man that would do any of that....at least not while they were married. She desired LOVE. I'm my mother's child. I'm obsessed the need for it....and I have no idea why. For years I've put it aside and focused on work and the Kid. Something has come over me in the past year. I've looked around and realized, I NEED someone. I need to talk. I need to vent. I need someone to CARE FOR ME. I love all of the folks that say....."just wait"....blah blah blah. I'm not joining eharmony anytime soon but I'm so ready. UGHHHHHHHHH....I hate saying it. I hate this disparate plea. I HATE it. I have to be real with me. I've never been so insecure either. I have some real reflection to do. skin hunger. Love. la la la la la.....

just wanna be loved.

depression. more ppl have this illness than most others combined. don't you think we are conditioned to hate our lives, our bodies, our families....we are trained to think we need MORE and that we don't have enough. I'm a victim of this madness myself. Being naturally "heady" and introverted, I look inward for solutions for everything. The blog allows me to get out of my head or I would implode. We spend a part of our lives trying to figure out how to undo the deep rooted programming. This country has managed how to indoctrinate its citizens into the concept of self loathing. Look at the commercials. We can't understand how others living in shacks can identify with being happy and satisfied. How could they? They don't live in houses they can't afford. They don't have more bathrooms than people. What would they know about being happy? depression. the one thing I can say about this country, if there is an illness, there is an industry. Pill...

love. What a monster. I think I have a grip on everything but that damn word. It hasn't been an easy thing to come by and yet I feen for it like an addict awaiting the next hit. Love. Don't know what to do about it. I scream to the Universe, "HELLO. I'm READY." Gotta wait. Gotta wait. Gotta wait. lOve. At the same time, there are suitors. There are those who would like my time and my attention but for whatever reason, something is off, not right. My Spirit says....not him even though....it looks right. Looks can be deceiving. LOvE. Then there are those who I have my eye on but their eye isn't on me. That always sucks. [best words I could find]. It sucks royally because you wonder why they can't see you, feel you, or what you. This is no disparate plea. Just an observation. Love me, love me not. LOVE. Calling out. I'm here. I'm ready. I'm waiting. love love love me.

clevawords rhondas thoughts ramblings tick tick boom!

daydreams of blackness, manhood empowering dreams of enlightenment you my warrior god thinking of all things possible revolutionary kemetic rhythms rhythms rhythms rhythms passively accepting my regal ways afraid to give love words escape for only the focus of brotherhood freedom but not of love goddess beauty kemetic rhythms rhythms rhythms rhythms

Its very empowering to see black men and women trying to find a way to change the how the lack of focus of the civil rights movement as effected us today. Its empowering to see us look beyond the BS, change the paradigm (cliche` statement but still needed), and to then figure out a plan to effect change. What I see is this confusion. There is this mindset that there is one way to skin a cat. That is a limited mindset and lacks true wisdom. We needed both MLK and Malcolm. Some think being harsh and divisive is the way to approach racism and white supermicacy in the 21st. Some think only taking the approach of Malcolm and Stokely Carmichael is the way to make changes today. We shun the MLK approach as being ineffective, outdated, and grounded in Christian falsities. Probably. I see folks not understanding how to strategically use both approaches to make this shift happen. We need to come together fully understanding the goal and that there are different roads to the ending we're ...

Mother Love Pure Spiritually binding kemetic Angelic whimsical I am Love let me flow like the waves power and peaceful beauty oh hear my cry of passion.... let me pour my soul sweet glaze of honey lovingly Divine Pure Love Mothers Milk

One of my favorite movies is "Nuts" with Barbara Streistand. Towards the end of the movie she tells them," No matter what you say, you can't make me nuts". I'm completely paraphasing but I feel her deeply. As much as I hate passive aggressive behavior, I'm guilty of it. Yes, Big Ole Hypocrite. When I feel mistreated and I'm confused by the behavior, I'll admit to acting up and out. [ugly] But I'm not nuts. I bleed. I have feelings. I want and expect love. Sue me. God messed around and made me HUMAN. But I'm not nuts. and You can't make me nuts. No matter how much you try.

As I write, its coming from frustration and annoyance. I am Rhonda. My path is before me and I've accepted my purpose 100%. I accept that people will come into my life to help me with this journey which includes the Freedom to be healthy. Liberation from disease and depression is the power, the voice, the magic I bring. I have so many people in my ear about FREEDOM, Empowerment, Healing, Revolution, Transformation, Spirituality, and Wellness. Everyone has their philosophy based on their beliefs. I'm still finding myself very frustrated with people who seek knowledge reading every piece of literature but doesn't understand the importance of wisdom and understanding. It impart knowledge is understanding what is needed for that person at that moment for their journey and purpose. This is something very much missing from some aspects of the "Conscious" movement. Let me say, I've met some that are in the community teaching and educating. There is applicati...