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Single Black Female.



I have been single for about 8 years.  That doesn't mean haven't gone out on a date or a few or that I haven't had sex. It means that I haven't committed myself to a relationship in a long time. Most of this time my focus was working and raising my daughter.  Some would say that I'm one of those single Black women who finds herself single and in her 40's. They would say that I've been too focused on my career and too picky. We know the conversation.  We know the long cry of the single, Black, and female.  I've had my conversations with men who ask, "What is wrong with you?" 

What is wrong with me? hmmm......

I'm oddly traditional or old fashioned.  I don't approach men. I don't flirt very well at all. I acknowledge that I can't read the "signals" if someone is interested.  Maybe, this is why I'm single. (Kanye shrug)   In all of my dating angst, I do know that I'm ready, now, to experience the magical dance of courtship, dating, romance, etc.  Yes, I said I'm old fashioned. Courtship.  I like it. Its sweet and gentle. It allows for friendship to develop and it is necessary for me. Who courts? I don't think many know the meaning.  Relationships are complex and dynamic and as free-spirited I believe they should  be, they should be a layered in simplicity if the two people involved allow it to flow.

In 2003, a 7 year relationship ended for me. It was 7 years of infidelity, some physical and emotional abuse, and womanizing.  I came out of that relationship unaware of who I was anymore. I didn't feel attractive.  I was lost in myself, my standards, and I was afraid to love someone again.  I was a hurt person but never bitter.  I haven't allowed it to fester in my soul to that degree but I was sadden by the experience.  Until I dealt with this sadness, I couldn't begin another relationship, fully.  I did try.  I dated someone but only for a few months.  I just wasn't in it.  I refused to bring anyone into my world until I was ready.

This is where I think many women (and men) mess up.  They move too fast back into a relationship.  They don't seek the healing needed before moving to a new relationship.  They become "bad ladies".  Yes, Ms. Badu was so right.  We have to stop dragging the bags around.  We have to be okay with dealing with our own issues with relationships and love.  I poured my life into work and parenting. I stopped being as attentive to my body. I thought I was dealing and healing but I was still hurting.  I had to revisit all of my issues with myself in and out of a relationship.  THERAPY.   Yes, again.  THERAPY.  Talking it through.  Forgiving my ex boyfriend wholeheartedly and loving myself just as I am, have been the best healers for the hurt. Without forgiveness, it is truly difficult to move forward. Without forgiveness, bitterness will truly find its place in your soul. Let it go.  It wasn't the love you needed. Let it go.

The next step is to be comfortable being single. Live that single life for awhile. Enjoy it. Too many people are too fearful of being single or alone. Society puts unwarranted pressures on us to be with someone.  Just even going to dinner or to a movie alone causes stress for some.  I recall someone asking me why I was dining alone. He told me I was "too pretty to eat alone".  I said, thanks but I have to eat, right?

I don't wait for a date to see a movie. Being alone isn't an issue.  It shouldn't be for anyone. If we find that loneliness is the spark of our depression, then we lets face it.  Seek treatment.  Get some help.

Take responsibility for your healing.  Be fair to the future by enduring the process of healing. Don't be a bag lady or man.

Now, love isn't scary.  Love is a door to beauty. I believe love is for me.  I will be in love again.  I will give love again.  When I became honest about my approach to love, my heart started to yearn again for a loving relationship.  My openness speaks to the Universe and it will respond. I feel like Love does call my name, now.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi

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