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I've had the intent of self-care.  I've planned.  In the midst of crisis, its very hard to begin anything.  Its like trying to clean your house in the middle of a tornado.  It feels impossible.  I'm still a mother and a grandmother in the middle of this self care journey.  I'm still the leader of my org and a part of community orgs in the middle of this self care journey.  My spirit wants all of that to stop for a month or even a year.  I mean  I don't want anyone asks me to do anything.  Even more importantly, I don't want to feel obligated to do it.  I just don't want to do it right now.  I know I need time for me and not in bits and pieces.  I want to be selfish without guilt.  Its the battle of many women in trying to figure this thing out.  How can I be whole in this whirlwind of life's struggles.  I'm committed to making sure that I stop and check in with me.  I committed to allowing myself m...

My professional life has been focused on the prevention of HIV in primarily women.  In this work, I've had the opportunity to talk about sexuality from all angles.  As we want people to be sexually responsible, we should encourage that they are sexually satisfied.  Historically, mens sexual desire has been the point of attention.  What a man wants, he gets sexually through consent, oppression, or force.   Men have been allowed to explore their sexual fulfillment in extreme ways. This, of course, is a level of oppression and its a social norm for many.  In my talks with women about their sexual fulfillment, I've spoken with women who have never experienced "the Big O".   Their sexual experiences were driven by whatever the man desired.  You'd think that everyone is experiencing sex in the same way - like the last porn movie with moans and repeated orgasms. We don't teach our girls they are sexual beings.  We teach them to be guard...

I see the black community different than some.  I see a group who survives in the best way it possibly can under decades (centuries) of mental, physical, and spiritual abuse and terrorism.  I see a people who constantly figures out how  to seek out happiness and joy under scrutiny  and judgment from the majority group and from its own. I see creative and inventive people who can make something from nothing over and over and over  Some of us make it.  Some don't.  Some develop self hate.  Our children are deemed less innocent and treated as such and then we are surprised when they grow up have a lack of respect for themselves or others. We don't receive empathy in regards to how centuries of terrorism - mental, physical, and spiritual-  impacts our health and well being. We somehow are supposed to get over it while the whip is still swinging.   I see people overcoming.  I see people trying.  I see people succumbing to co...

Social Media is an interesting creature. ONLINE: We're all so brilliant. We're all so healthy. We all are so religious. We love our mothers. We are perfect parents. Well, I'm here to tell ya, not me. I'm flawed. I'm quirky. I don't like to go to places where there's a lot of people. Quiet is cool. Me and God fight. Me and my daughter just had a horrible two years but we're back being where we should be. I've been physically unhealthy for the past two years and it was causing some depression. I couldn't figure it out. I don't like to be  deep, every damn day. I know what I know and there's a whole lotta stuff I'm clueless about. I'm a patient friend but I can shut you out without reason. I'm working on me.  I think Social Media is missing a dose of realness and regular. I'm down for folks working to obtain their goals and doing it out loud. I get it. I know that it can help others. I'm just con...

We many times have to give ourselves permission to live life on our own terms .  Its a difficult transition to move from living for the world and then remembering that you're a part of that world and deserve care, love, fairness, and honesty just as everyone else. In August 2014, I became ill. I had pains in my legs that were hard to articulate mixed with the flu and a shot of lupron to reduce my hormones.  I was miserable.  It was very unexpected.  August was the month to prep for a scheduled surgery in September.  I had to make sure that my home was ready, that my daughter was ready, and my organization was ready.  Nothing was ready.  I found myself struggling to enjoy my trip to New York.  I recall walking from Afropunk to the subway and wondering if I would make it.  My legs were filled with pain.  Hot flashes came and went with no summer breeze to help remedy my own private summer.  Miserable.  Something was happening....

The interesting thing about being a heterosexual cisgender Christian female who supports Gay Marriage is that I understand the Constitution and how it SUPPOSE to work in this country.   As a Christian, it actually benefits me when religion isn't mixed with law.   I'm allowed to believe what I want and how I want. The moment we ask the gov't to intervene in religious matters, there is a can of worms that's hard to contain.   I understand the intention of the Constitution to allow the individual to pursue (or not) their own religious beliefs. Gay marriage does nothing to heterosexual marriage. NOTHING. You can still get married and divorce at the same rates you have been.     As Christians, you can still believe whatever you believe and follow whatever tenants you want.   That's the beauty of the Constitution.   Religious freedom means all have the right to believe in whatever manner you want, and worship whatever deity you'd like. Also, you do...

I woke this morning in good spirits and I remain there. There's always a continuous fight for peace. People will try to rattle your spirit. Fight. So no.

com·mu·ni·ty kəˈmyo͞onitē / noun noun: community ; plural noun: communities a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common. " Rhode Island's Japanese community "     a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. " the sense of community that organized religion can provide "       As a community worker, activist, or whatever label there is to describe the work being done, I wrestle with what is "community".  We are all a part of various types of communities: religious, neighborhood, racial, sexual orientation, frat/sororities etc.   I will admit to being the most critical of my community labeled as African American.  Because I'm solution based in my thinking and life, this is my expectation for this community I'm a part of because of my genetic make up, social experiences, and shared history. ...

To think that you couldn't say what you wanted to say at the moment you wanted to say it That time when you thought I should just reach out and say and feel and explore this.  whatever this is.  this. To think you looked in my eyes and I stared back and we knew something.  We knew that we knew something. But you couldn't say want you wanted to say at the moment you wanted to say it. I never reached out. I didn't say a word. I didn't explore you. Maybe that time will  come back around, over lap in space  and we will have the right words, the right touches, the right something. something.

What if I wasn't alive? What if I never as a twinkling of anyone's eye? What if I never got to smile, cry, laugh, love? What if I never got to see my daughter's face or see my grandson being born? What if no one loved me? What if I couldn't take another breath? The What ifs....I'm glad they never existed.

I've never been much of a crier.  My sad moments have been normally just me locked away with music, a note book, and my thoughts.  I'm a quiet person. I'm introspective. I feel deeply but to cry, no.  At some point in my life, I decided that it wasn't for me. I don't know when.  I don't know where but I decided to suck it up and deal. My mother and my daughter are people of emotion.  They value their emotions. They demand the right to express their feelings at any given moment.  They feel it and you know it. To be a person like me around all of that energy all the time is draining.  I felt I had to manage the results of the whirlwind of emotions that just swept through.  I was the clean up lady. What was damaged by my mom's anger?  How could I help my daughter through this new episode of an anxiety outbreak gone bad.  How did I come to feel I had to manage other people's emotions?  When did I become responsible? I don't know. I...

I haven't felt much like writing lately.  2014 has ushered in so much change and so many challenges and I know its all for my good and well being.  I've struggled with what to say at this moment in my life when I'm taking on so much. Its as if all the things I've talked to women about for their lives is being tested in mine. I've always been very transparent about the battles I've had with bulimia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I don't mind sharing my story because I felt it will help someone else but what if its your child.  Its somehow different.  Its rips my heart out. It forces me to rethink my parenting. I hurts my soul. My daughter suffered from severe postpartum depression after having my grandson. It triggered her anxiety which also became severe.  She didn't realize anything was wrong with her.  She never had an issue bonding with her son but her anger was deep, her lows were very low, and our household wa...

When the Village Voice published an interview with Jim DeRogatis, a journalist who covered the R. Kelly child pornography case,  I didn't want to read it.  I assumed that the article would highlight Kelly as the victim.  You know, the victim of these children or even better these fast girls .  To my surprise, it was the opposite.  DeRogatis gave us a peek into how deep the psychosis goes for Robert.  I'll just say it.  He's a sick person.  Prior to reading the article. I did look at his video called Cookie because this was the return of Kels .  Its not different than most R&B videos.  Women walking around in maid uniforms with garters. They are all there for Kels.  He begins to sing.   Cookie, cookie, cookie, I'm a cookie monster Break your back, crack it open like a lobster Ayyy, I kill the p_y, dig a (grave) She grab the wood like grippin (grain) I told her put it in my face Let it rain, let it rain (rain...

The devil inside of me tries to survive.  Its passionate about its survival. I am a host. Fears. Abuse. Delusion. Sadness. The devil inside of me has no fear of me. I allow it to live. Its a familiar monster. I know its face. I know how it moves. I know what it wants. I want it dead. My devil as a name. Bulimia was its name first. It has become emotional eating or Binge Eating Disorder . I can't lie about it. Its a battle as any addiction. I wake up and ask myself how will I battle this devil today and it runs thought through my mind functioning like a bullet in a barrel. I've lived with this disorder for 20 years. I'm still not "cured".  This is work for me. This work has many battles to win before the war is over. Addressing past abuse, fears, and hurt is in progress.  Feelings and emotions swarm around me as if to temped each new coping skill.  That's that devil, Tricky Tricky devil. I fail at times. Sometimes I do win but this battle is tiresom...

My beauty isn't up for debate or suggestion I'm fly I'm fly because I was made in the image of flyness My momma - fly Daddy too Can you question the flyness of the Creator? My lips, eyes, hips perfectly made all you can do is admire My beauty isn't up for debate or criticism I'm dope I'm dope because I was made in the image of dopeness My speak, my flow, my way is undeniably fresh

I have been single for about 8 years.  That doesn't mean haven't gone out on a date or a few or that I haven't had sex. It means that I haven't committed myself to a relationship in a long time. Most of this time my focus was working and raising my daughter.  Some would say that I'm one of those single Black women who finds herself single and in her 40's. They would say that I've been too focused on my career and too picky. We know the conversation.  We know the long cry of the single, Black, and female.  I've had my conversations with men who ask, "What is wrong with you?"  What is wrong with me? hmmm...... I'm oddly traditional or old fashioned.  I don't approach men. I don't flirt very well at all. I acknowledge that I can't read the "signals" if someone is interested.  Maybe, this is why I'm single. (Kanye shrug)   In all of my dating angst, I do know that I'm ready, now, to experience the magical ...

In talking with one of my friends last night, she mentioned my focus on my happiness and self-care. All I know, I will not repeat the past and I have to have the courage to deal with and heal from my own darkness. Nothing or no one will stop this process. I deserve the beauty of my Spirit to shine and for life to embrace me like a mother's hug. I sincerely move in a philosophy that freedom is mine and that I must be fearless.  I will never overcome my past in I'm living currently with fear and bitterness.  I must apply my beliefs, my speak, my talk to my own life. Truth to power, truth to movement, and truth to happiness is the way. Its never about perfection but a love of self that is unmoved even when challenged. I give myself permission to be happy. When I decided that my life will be different and I will be happy, I developed what I call my "freedom plan".  I had to have action steps to regain my happiness.  I'm honest . I was/am h...

I remember when I was unemployed, my mom just passed, & a 7yr relationship ended, I lost HOPE. I looked up the definition & meditated on it. I posted the definition on a board and anytime I was sadden, I looked at the definition - HOPE. We have to take control even in darkness. Doing that was the way to cope with my circumstances in the best possible way. Doesn't mean I was healed but I wasn't destructive. At some point in my life, I learned that I'm responsible for my emotions and my responses to life's ups and downs. What we see is that this isn't the norm. We are reactionary and believe others hold the key to our happiness and peace.  Our culture preaches that peace, success, and happiness come from external things and from people. Be reprogrammed and believe you have Hope. Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never is, but always to be blessed: The soul, uneasy and confined from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come.   – ...

Let me begin by saying that I wasn't raised in the Black Church. Its something that continues to keep me in a weird space of my own black identity. I understand the historical context of the Black Church and its importance to social justice issues of the past and some believe, the present.  Anytime I attend any workshop, seminar, or panel discussion about the role of the Black Church in improving any aspect of the black experience, my participation comes with both a level of respect and skepticism. Coming from the Catholic world of sexism, I have sharpened my eye to the role of women in religious settings.  As a teen, I was told that I could not participate in the role of the "alter boy" because, well, I'm not a boy.  My eyes were opened to how my vagina has its place and needs to stay there because God said so. Luckily, I never connected the treatment of women by religious institutions to my own beliefs. God isn't human and I can easily separate the two. I n...