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After a long week, full of ups and downs, I see my old friend....or fiend I should say, trying to have its way. Its always been a way of coping, of finding control.  It tries to be involved and to have a say.  It changes the way I see myself in the mirror.  It wants to take my attention away and focus on negativity. My old friend....oh I mean fiend Bulimia wants to come home. Today....I looked in the mirror and saw every place where I see fat making a new home, more comfortable than ever.  I see no beauty. I see nothing of God.  Oh...wait...that's not me. That's my old friend....[clears throat] fiend Bulimia.  She knows I've been working on new friendships like security, trust, and hope.  She's jealous.  She's wants back in.  She knows I'm finding acceptance with the body I have today so that I can appreciate the body I'll have tomorrow.   Bulimia is a trickster but she is a quick fix....like a quick hit on a crack pipe.  I know I...

In the past, I've blogged about having bulimia, the struggles of recovering through tough times like my mother's death and unemployment, and finally admitting it to the world that this is my issue.  I'm a recovering bulimic. I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. Later, I started to notice other aspects of my behavior that easily could have always been there but I wasn't paying attention.  I knew it was some sort of anxiety disorder because I needed things in a certain way, I needed to control situations around me. I needed to have controlled order.  What was going on? After speaking with doctor, she said, "You have low level OCD".  I'm like, "What?"   I don't touch things over and over.  I don't obessive clean [wish I did].  What did she say that? My racing thoughts and my workholism were indicators.  I feel horrible not doing some sort of work and this does get in my way of enjoying life at times.  At the same time, I've ...

I've been working with a wellness coach and it has been a journey. I'm learning about myself and what I really need to do. Even though you have the KNOWLEDGE, life has put of roadblocks to being wise and applying that knowledge to your life. I've had to look at my body image issue very closely. Its dangerous for my psyche. Its planted in control, fertilized in lies, and loved in BS. At the end, here comes Bulimia. It rolls off the tongue like its some weird yet exotic name. (I'm hoping no child is named Bulimia). I've cultivated this side of me. I've nurtured it, supported it, excused it, and even believed in it. Nuts right? Not really. I'm human. The important thing is to start the weeding process and face it. I completely appreciate Delana (the wellness coach). She is hardcore and yet loving. She wants to see you enlightenment and moving forward. Keep it moving! She holds me accountable and that's all most of this is about in some odd way. Its...

1980 something. 20ish. And thin. Fast forward to 2008 40. Plump, Chubby.....ugh I've blogged about being bulimic many times. I've blogged about my body image issues a few times. I've received many notes saying, "Girl, you look good!" or "Damn, I like the way you look!" Yeah, Yeah, Yeah....I'm cute. LOL (I'm really laughin') This is still the battle of all battles. This is my mental disorder. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I battle with my body daily. My daughter has to hide the scale. Metabolism has been so damaged by the bulimia that I swear it moves in reverse. I'm trying to find the balance with in. Men really don't get it. They think because they offer up some compliments that I will be moved to change my mind. I don't care what YOU think. Sorry but I don't. I need to move to a health place where I can look at my body and be ok with whatever the mirror reveals. And I'm getting there. I'm a size ...