ClevaWords

My heart . I have so many writings and blogs that start with just those words. Its the most guarded place of my soul. Its is my sensitive spot, my Achilles heel. My mother said its a curse and warned me that the Owens women loved hard and I'm truly cut from that cloth. I have both fear and a longing for love but I've been trapped in my mind, I think.  I've had some very hurtful and damaging relationships with infidelity being the main issue. Rejection fills my heart. [sucks] I fear being hurt again.  I give so much of me in a relationship. I'm a partner. I'm present. I'm the buddy. I'm the lover. I get hurt.  Oddly enough, I've had apologies from every man that has hurt me. All have said that I was so present for them and they didn't know what to do.  Its not that I'm unforgiving but....so what?  The apologies are for them.  I've had to forgive without having the apologies so they come bittersweet at times.  With each apology, I get the ...

In the past, I've blogged about having bulimia, the struggles of recovering through tough times like my mother's death and unemployment, and finally admitting it to the world that this is my issue.  I'm a recovering bulimic. I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. Later, I started to notice other aspects of my behavior that easily could have always been there but I wasn't paying attention.  I knew it was some sort of anxiety disorder because I needed things in a certain way, I needed to control situations around me. I needed to have controlled order.  What was going on? After speaking with doctor, she said, "You have low level OCD".  I'm like, "What?"   I don't touch things over and over.  I don't obessive clean [wish I did].  What did she say that? My racing thoughts and my workholism were indicators.  I feel horrible not doing some sort of work and this does get in my way of enjoying life at times.  At the same time, I've ...

I am a black single mother. I sit on the dawn of my own greatest. Future generations will be blessed because of my obedience to God and to my spirit. I refuse to follow any other path but the one set before me. I love creation and its Maker. I understand the power of giving. I understand that I must let my light shine as it is a reflection of the One that lives in me, through me and around me. I am blessed for having the opportunity to parent such a wonderful child. I am blessed through adversity and humbled through prosperity. I am proud to be a believer. I strive to be a woman of integrity even though some days I may fail. I try. I love people. I give from my heart in the most genuine way. My intent is never to harm. I am strong. I know only a few can handle me in my weakness and can provide true comfort. I am God's child. me. Erykah Badu - Me - Erykah Badu

(Trying to get in the mood to work.....) Today I was talking with someone about being yourself. I think that was easier for folks from my generation ( generation x'ers) because it was all about being different. Prince, Boy George, Madonna, etc all trying to establish their own thing. Nowadays, its about looking JUST like the next. But anyway. As a kid, I remember just wanting to be ME. I literally shopped in my parents closet, painted my 4 inch fingernails black, shaved my head or weaved it up....whatever I wanted. I struggled with people who thought I was shy as a teen. I wasn't shy. I was actually goofy but just not around family as much. Family has a way of putting you into a box and its just easier to be there at times. I was developing a self-confidence that sometimes you couldn't easily see. Nonetheless, I was Rhonda. I just did me whatever that meant for the moment. Then I met my ex boyfriend. He was going through some stuff so that meant the ...