ClevaWords

It seems from the time I could make decisions about who I wanted to be, I've always been asked, "Are you from here?" From what others have said, Indy folks have a way about themselves that I must not possess. I find it odd. Raised on the east side, I can admit to being "different". I was a little dark, held up in my room listening to music, writing poetry, and daydreaming. I thought there were others doing the same here in this place we call Naptown but I always found myself being ...different. So I wanted to leave Indy as soon as I could. My goal was to get to NYC with other daydreamers. A city of others, that's where I belonged. I didn't even get my driver's license until I was 21, unheard of here, all because I figured I wouldn't need it. Indy called me different so I wanted to go where the different people dwelled. 1991 - The Kid At 22, I became a mother. Nuff said. Didn't move. Now I have to live amongst the Hoosier...

In the past few weeks, I've had the opportunity to have very brief conversations with Kevin Powell. Its very interesting to speak with someone with similar passions for community service. As someone who has been very transparent on her blog, I find this essay by Kevin refreshing. I just happen to see this on Facebook as someone posted it many months ago. Thanks KP. I AM A SEXIST MALE. I take no great pride in saying this, I am merely stating a fact. It is not that I was born this way-rather, I was born into this male-dominated society, and consequently, from the very moment I began forming thoughts, they formed in a decidedly male-centered way. My "education" at home with my mother, at school, on my neighborhood playgrounds, and at church, all placed males in the middle of the universe. My digestion of the 1970s American popular culture in the form of television, film, ads, and music only added to my training, so that by as early as age nine or ten I saw females, includ...

I love him and don't even know him I think of him and smile and I've not seen his face I can feel his prayers for me being answered as I'm becoming all he needs and desires and he doesn't know my name He is loved and cherished as the sunrise and sunset and I long for his touch But one day, that moment will arrive when we glance upon something we've always known was out there love.

Truth Fearing the possibility that I could be the manifestation of truth Spiritually you called down from the heavens Asked the ancestors Prayed unto the Divine allow reality to be near me to be my reflection as clear as the Nile Let me be the one to touch Truth In your Power I stand before you you tremble afraid to let go of the past hurt anger death what do you choose how can you be at peace in a lost of love Truth has decided to hold your hand caress your face kiss your lips The dream is more than fantasy Truth is not going away So what will I do what will I say all that I want has been given the table has been set my cup runneth over and I turn away. Truth.

I close my eyes and dream think and feel so lost wondering when will be the next time my hips get to sway to and fro as we allow miles to give us a moment of madness to remember when will I get to feel your eyes write words of love on my soul can I have this time again..... to love again

Genesis 15 AFTER THESE things, the word of the Lord came to [Rhonda] in a vision, saying, Fear not, [Rhonda], I am your Shield, your abundant compensation, and your reward shall be exceedingly great.

There was a in time of the Valley, a time when I lost my mom, my job, some friends and almost my sanity, I couldn't understand God. So much occurred in a two year period that I was confused and sadden. I didn't know what He/She was doing. But I then understood and learned my lesson quickly.... I now don't shake at any signs of trouble. I understand that patience is the way to all things through God and to God. Patience. There is something that is occurring that if this thing really happens, wow...I'll say this much. If I every doubted the presence of a god, of a creator, then one thing would provide it beyond measure. I'm not saying I need God to prove himself. I believe but WOW. God's way is not so much mysterious as it really is about patience and belief in having your desires fulfill beyond measure. Patience is the key to seeing if this one thing will manifest.... I wait......

I haven't blogged in awhile mainly due to time but I read something that made my heart flutter, my mind race, and made me want to step up my writing... As You Leave Me.... Shiny record albums scattered over the living room floor, reflecting light from the lamp, sharp reflections that hurt my eyes as I watch you, squatting among the platters, the beer foam making mustaches on your lips. And, too, the shadows on your cheeks from your long lashes fascinate me--almost as much as the dimples in your cheeks, your arms and your legs. You hum along with Mathis--how you love Mathis! with his burnished hair and quicksilver voice that dances among the stars and whirls through canyons like windblown snow, sometimes I think that Mathis could take you from me if you could be complete without me. I glance at my watch. It is now time. You rise, silently, and to the bedroom and the paint; on the lips red, on the eyes black, and I lean in the doorway and smoke, and see you grow old before my eyes, a...

He that is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else - Benjamin Franklin

I'll be moving some of my myspace blogs over. I will get back to that level of blogging soon.

[rHonDa]

I must say that I'm divinely blessed. I love her. She loves me.

passively I see you there...I wink and I smile your attention will fulfill an emptiness I can not explain she gives to me she touches gently my hand she stares not enough....not enough I look the other way see this one with knowledge of the gods naturally touched by the divine I speak, she speaks emptiness seemingly disappears but just for the moment I reach for kind words but not from the one who is there she offers her heart she offers her love she offers her body I turn it all away consumed.

The moment of truth....is now. I'm running for the hills. As much as I blogged about love, I'm coming to the revelation that I don't trust anyone to do it. So, I may have to run for the hills again. I've been single for so long that maybe I'm terrified of the entire process. As much as I admire every man in my circle, I can't say I trust any of them. That's VERY deep, twisted, and hurtful but I really just thought about it. Who do I trust in my world that is male? As much as long for male energy, I find it hurtful, deceitful, and abusive. so are YOU running yet..... I'm not jaded because I know that its MY issue. I know (when I'm sane) that men can be committed, loving and trustworthy. I haven't experienced it but I've seen it for others so I know its real. Maybe I haven't really experienced that 'true love' thing. Maybe I'm still wondering if I'm good enough. Maybe I'm PMSing and will read this next week an...

going back to therapy......nutty.

spoke with some folks at the damien center about my time there...in the past It was difficult. By the end, I really hated that I was asked to do it. I'm not returning to dark places. There's nothing there but ugly. not going back....I'll never speak of those times again.

feeling so exposed candle in dark places illuminating possibilities lighting the way each step is closer yet blinded exposed for the world at times empty

my mom was obsessed with love. She loved everything and everyone but most of all she loved my father. She wanted to "be in love". She wanted to talk, hold hands, share....and love. Unfortunately, she didn't marry a man that would do any of that....at least not while they were married. She desired LOVE. I'm my mother's child. I'm obsessed the need for it....and I have no idea why. For years I've put it aside and focused on work and the Kid. Something has come over me in the past year. I've looked around and realized, I NEED someone. I need to talk. I need to vent. I need someone to CARE FOR ME. I love all of the folks that say....."just wait"....blah blah blah. I'm not joining eharmony anytime soon but I'm so ready. UGHHHHHHHHH....I hate saying it. I hate this disparate plea. I HATE it. I have to be real with me. I've never been so insecure either. I have some real reflection to do. skin hunger. Love. la la la la la.....

just wanna be loved.

depression. more ppl have this illness than most others combined. don't you think we are conditioned to hate our lives, our bodies, our families....we are trained to think we need MORE and that we don't have enough. I'm a victim of this madness myself. Being naturally "heady" and introverted, I look inward for solutions for everything. The blog allows me to get out of my head or I would implode. We spend a part of our lives trying to figure out how to undo the deep rooted programming. This country has managed how to indoctrinate its citizens into the concept of self loathing. Look at the commercials. We can't understand how others living in shacks can identify with being happy and satisfied. How could they? They don't live in houses they can't afford. They don't have more bathrooms than people. What would they know about being happy? depression. the one thing I can say about this country, if there is an illness, there is an industry. Pill...